


Dear Diary

by stupidHumans (orphan_account)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Diary, John - Freeform, M/M, Sex Talk, Solo, Yaoi, dave - Freeform, iloveyouradicalnothing;-;, mature - Freeform, selfharm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-03-10
Updated: 2012-04-29
Packaged: 2017-11-01 18:29:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/359915
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/stupidHumans
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Due to Rose's persistent rambling, Dave finally decides to open up to the world... if only through a journal.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [radicalnothing](https://archiveofourown.org/users/radicalnothing/gifts).
  * Inspired by [dave striders journal alternatively titled why do i listen to my sister alternatively titled how do i hold all these feels alternatively titled god dammit](https://archiveofourown.org/works/286775) by [radicalnothing](https://archiveofourown.org/users/radicalnothing/pseuds/radicalnothing). 



fuck  
i mean  
how do you even  
god damnit  
john  
and his stupid, lovable ass  
that boy  
i mean god  
d  
a  
m  
n  
i  
t  
his adorableness should be illegal  
too fuckin cute  
his oblivious derpyness should be illegal too  
too fuckin aggravating  
why cant you see john  
why  
why must i listen to rose and her stupid rambling blah gay gay i need to get laid  
stupid bitch  
wait  
scratch that  
shes still my sis  
my overly psychoanalitical sis  
and i love her  
i guess  
just not like i love john  
hes perfect  
those eyes after hes woken up and grumbling for coffee  
still with sleep crud in the corners  
i just want to brush it all away and softly run my hand down his beautiful fucking face  
god am i creepy  
but fuck it  
oh GOD  
excuse that stupid pun  
my brain isnt working right  
does that when i think too hard about johns stupid ass  
which is not stupid  
its incredibly grabbable thank you very much  
i wish i could grab it  
i wish i could grab you john  
run my hands down your sides  
trace circles on your belly  
make you laugh that incredulous laugh  
i want to  
i want to see you john  
not like i used to see you  
i want to see all of you  
to caress your body and make it keen with passion  
whoa man  
calm the fuck down  
at least  
thats what i should be telling myself  
but i dont really wanna stop  
this is too much  
uh  
i dont think fun is the best word  
but its nice to say all of this shit without ridicule  
kind a easy  
fill up the screen with this neon red ive become accustomed to  
i wish it could mingle with the blue again  
that neon blue that stands out over everything  
john is cold now  
aradia told me so  
she also said some shit about john not being able to use the dream bubbles  
fuck  
ill never see you john  
never get the chance to  
to  
to kiss your face  
bump noses and hear your nervous giggle  
explore every single crevice of your body with my tongue  
maybe  
maybe im desperate  
i miss you john  
i miss you a fucking lot and i dont care what the maid says  
im fucking finding your ass  
well be with each other again  
i swear  
promise  
i promise john  
times got hard but no one thought you would die  
you were the best  
the hero  
it was you


	2. Times

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More of Dave, his My Little Pony notebook, and a red ink pen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, this is a lot more fun to write than I anticipated...  
> Fuck, Dave is so easy to write, he just flows from my fingertips.  
> Okay sure it isn't very canon now with Act 6 but hey, let's imagine for a bit.

hey john  
i know you cant be here  
you wont be here  
but im okay with it  
you can know whats been on my mind through these shitty entries  
course  
you should already know  
its you you fruity douche  
fuck nonhomosexuality  
in its hetero little ass  
we all know  
that thing with vantas kind of blew your cover  
its out of the closet bro  
we always knew  
i always knew  
but i had to wait  
wanted to wait  
im waiting for you john  
john  
such a nice name  
sure its a bit mainstream but hey that aint your fault now is it  
your pops was so kind  
let me stay over whenever the fuck i wanted  
whenever bro was too much  
he got  
aggressive  
i still have the bruises  
still hurts to swing my arm around a bit  
he didnt like it  
thought gay was something you had to beat out   
i remember every time  
remember lil cal sitting in the corner  
creepy plastic face gazing into mine  
i wanted to bash his fucking face out  
but bro wasnt finished  
each time he increased something  
speed  
strength  
whichever it took for him to be satisfied  
but it never changed anything  
i loved you  
i still love you  
in love with you  
fuck aradia  
fuck everyone else  
platonically  
you are the only person i feel deserves being fucked  
the only person for me  
you  
you just dont realize what torture i go through  
you manage to be a total cocktease then go "oh dave i'm sorry i'm not a homo! hahaha!"  
yeah  
hahafuckinha  
john  
women dont deserve you  
hell  
i dont deserve you  
but i was never the fair one like you  
i took the shortcuts  
saw my bodies pile up one after the other  
wonder when my time would come  
time is such a thing of the past  
who even made it a thing i dont know  
time is supposed to ease the pain  
but it doesnt   
it stretches it out and slows down the initial blow  
pulls its claws down your arms with skill and precision and slow pleasure  
makes your veins and heart slow  
pulls at your sanity with every little string  
clips away at you until theres nothing left  
i  
i have nothing left


	3. Shitty Raps x2 combo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shitty title x1 ! :D  
> Ironic rapping ensues.

john fucking egbert  
thats the core of my goddamn problem  
his adorkable smile  
those soulful eyes   
a body id kick babies to touch  
a body worthy of a thousand goddamn kisses and hugs  
i want to touch him so badly  
it aint even ironic anymore  
to squeeze the base of his dick then forcefully slide my hand up  
repeating the movement until johns nearly incoherent  
i want to turn him into a shivering mess of a boy   
the only legible sound coming from his mouth being my name  
“dave dave dave dave dave” and id answer so smoothly  
“yeah man i know im fuckin hot tits roastin on a frying pan”  
then his almost silvery laugh would break the sticky wet tension  
god damnit that laugh  
oh man  
i just remembered one of the times we almost did have sex  
stupid fucker wont quit teasing me  
truth is  
hes so ridiculously oblivious to everything  
like how he couldnt see the strain in my eyes even though my shades had been long gone  
he was so nervous  
but i told him just to chill and roll with it  
he wasnt buying the fact that i was drunk off my ass  
which i wasn’t  
i just needed him to think this was the alcohol movin and groovin  
which i also at the same time just didnt want  
i wanted him to know that this was me  
that this was dave  
this was real  
so   
with complete composure and skill  
broke it to him that i was in fact not drunk  
he stumbled around with his words and thunk   
about many things   
lots of things  
sexy things I think  
his problem is  
hes cautious  
im nauseous  
these words are obnoxious  
he giggles and stops it  
just halted  
and thought that  
“hey  
maybe i do gots a thing for ass  
it aint that bad man  
just go back to class  
your immaturity like a glass  
wall  
holdin you back  
from wonders of men and all their colorful sass”  
whoa now  
no need to get ahead of ourselves here  
i mean  
johnd never say that  
would he

Would he?


	4. Walls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So, a lot of triggers in this one. Also, selfharm. Yay.

egbert  
why cant you just show up?  
anyways  
i dont care  
ill still keep sleeping  
still keep searching  
rose says im going narcoleptic kinda like harleys deal  
fuck her  
she has her little lesbo  
kanayas there  
shes real  
youre not  
i dont think she really understands what its like   
not having them there  
were on different levels  
im much deeper  
the scars run deeper  
yeah  
not something either of us discuss at the dinner table  
she has scars  
i have scars  
its stupid but it feels good  
the warmth trickling down your arm   
the cold chill that replaces that spurt of hot liquid  
the ugly ruddy brown it turns to  
scabs i pulled off out of boredom in class  
that was a level of understanding that we could relate to each other  
shes really just an insecure nerd who instead of cowering dares people to judge her for what she is  
the struggles killed her emotionally until she turned into this iron encasement of frustrated offputtance  
kinda like me i guess  
i know that i hide behind a pair of shades and layers of irony  
its where i find solace  
bulbous foam ass and sentences with double meanings

 

ive been so tired lately  
i sleep and sleep  
searching for john  
but its like having school then a glorious weekend  
sleeping late kinda gives you this hangover that tells you 'fuck im still tired bro put me back in a bed'  
'dont take away my ambrosia just yet'  
greedy little fucker  
so  
anyways  
i guess im gonna go back to sleep  
wish me luck  
oh shit  
someones here  
i really gtg

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You rub your eyes underneath your shades. You're so tired you can feel the bags underneath your eyes. Hah. Sleep deprivation from sleeping too much.

You wait for a light rap against the door, but it never happens. She just walks right in.

"Lalonde." You deadpan.

"David." The hurt in her orchid eyes and pallid, taut jaw slice through you.

"I was just going to sleep, you can leave, I'm fine." -Don't look at me like that, please. I already hurt too much.-

"Did you take advantage of my advice?" -I'll look at you however I want, you matter to me.-

-Yes, I did, and I think it's really helping. It feels good to tell my feelings, even if I'm the only one who will ever read it.- "Fuck no."

"Whatever, David. I'll let you sleep." -When are you going to stop hiding behind these lies? What is the use anymore?-

"Kay." -The lies don't hide. They sustain.-


End file.
